I don’t want to be alive anymore.
my soul is tired and happiness has been absent for years. I’ve been blaming politics … covid … the death of my uncle, my dad, my mother in law, my cousin … my youngest leaving for the military … age, hormones, medication – and while all of it may touch on where I’m at today, it didn’t resonate within me as true. it didn’t feel like I’d reached the depths of truth.
but what do I do? I can’t call up my friend and say, “I wish I were dead. I want to go to sleep tonight and never wake up”. and yet I know it’s what needs to be said because it brings up emotion just thinking it.
I went to bed last night and while I fought to find some sleep, my mind drifted to the morbid. I tossed and turned over several reasons for why I’m stuck in this mental dumpster fire and while I’d love to get it all out at once, I think I need to make notes and hit them one at a time.
*depression could be seen as a terminal illness and suicide as a planned end of life. why not.
* not only have I lost the purpose of being a “mom”, I also spent my motherhood saying I could never take my own life as long as I had a child under 18.
* depression is not a feeling or emotion. it’s not being sad, in fact it’s void of emotion. I do not FEEL depressed, I do not GET depressed, it is a PLACE, where mental and physical exhaustion are in charge and comfort is found in not thinking, or feeling, or doing, or planning. I need to find a better description for it.
let’s see how this spills out.
… it has been a while (years!) and I’m on my phone (with a new layout), but I know the healing in getting this out is real. I’ll find my place again soon
- the child left behind
the child left behind 