my husband punched a guy today, and I’m touched
I feel ridiculous writing that. we are way too old for foolish acts of bravado to be a turn on
I disagree with violence across the board, and the fact that this altercation happened in public and at a children’s event, has me cringing over the idea that I’m not the least bit mad at my husband
it’s quite possible my husband threw the first punch
and slightly possible that there may be repercussions attached to this incident that reach my child … which I will deal with if need be
let me back up a bit
earlier this week, I was working on a post, trying to sort out some fears. the biggest fear being that my mental illness, mainly made up of emotions (in my eyes) was pushing my husband away (because the poor guy has no clue how to deal with emotions).
we’ve been married for ages, but this current episode is the deepest and longest depression he’s witnessed. the situation has only been compounded by several incidents hitting both of us in the feels. most recently, one of our children was hurt in the Las Vegas shooting, October 1st.
in fact, that last event is what really had me scared that I’d lost my husband
I was a hot mess. our child called us during the shooting … as in, we could hear the gun fire … I was standing next to my husband, shoulder to shoulder, my heart breaking into a million pieces while I listened to my kid scream in fear, and yet I had never felt further away from him.
I needed him to ground me. to put his arm around me. to touch me. I needed him to acknowledge my desperation and assure me that he was there … just as scared … with me.
I began to worry that I had become a fixture in the house to him. a broken nuisance, but no less just a part of the house.
I couldn’t blame him. in the course of 2 years, nightly homemade dinners had become a once a week affair. our house, while never spotless, had been overrun by neglected chores … chores that I couldn’t get out of bed to do.
I was failing at everything. and with each additional failure, I sunk deeper into the pit.
today a man specifically chose me to throw all of his negativity at. he belittled children that I love, he disrespected adults that I admire, and he attacked my beliefs and opinions simply because it would benefit his angry rant
after asking the man repeatedly to walk away, and having no one around to hear what he was saying, I called out to my husband for help
my husband is not generally an angry person, never more violent than chucking a tool to the ground when working on his car … he tried to diffuse the situation, but the man wouldn’t back down.
I don’t know what was said to cause my husband to finally lose it, but after the shock of seeing my husband pulled away from another man, and then assuring myself he was okay, I have to admit I felt relief.
relief that I was still worth defending in his eyes. that he will come to my aid and validate my feelings … when I ask
I know the child left behind will always need to be reminded that she is worthy of love, but the woman left with her care will need to ask for help instead of waiting for someone to notice her
the child left behind 